Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:3-4, NASB)

I inwardly cringe whenever I’m asked, ‘How are you?’. I will provide the reason for the automatic response in a later post (part 2). Today I’m going to just answer the question.

Before I write anything further, however, I want to express my deepest appreciation for the many who have asked me this question over the past seven months. I cannot remember one time when someone inquired without desiring an honest response. What a precious gift! I am thankful.

• I am blessed. This is true, all the time. All the time, this is true. It is important to share why I can say this with confidence and with complete transparency. I will follow up in another post soon. There is so much to share.
• I am at peace. From the onset of Michelle’s cancer, I knew that the best statistical chance for her remaining with us for five years was 13%. I read stories about those with the same subset of cancer who lived out the five years and many testimonials were just gruesome. Living seemed more of a punishment than a gift. The idea that God’s direct intervention was unnecessary was too ludicrous even to consider. I can trust God, so I can be at peace.
• I am in pain. Sometimes, but not too often, I feel like everything between my shoulders and hips is like a wet dishrag being thoroughly wrung out. The prospect of a life without Michelle is just too much to bear. It hurts just like I described, many who will read this also know the feeling. The days Michelle and I have are gifts, but each day seems to end with Michelle a bit further away and that is a soul-ache.
• I am tired. So many things whirl around me which limit my ability to deeply sleep. It isn’t new for me to not to rest. I’ve never been more than 5-7 hours a night guy. Now the lack of sleep coupled with near constant concern for Michelle has me occasionally dozing off at the dinner table. Embarrassing!
• I am humbled. Experiencing life with Michelle as she deals with the reality of what is going on in her body with such a gentle spirit is challenging. It is my experience that if a person really wants to pursue holiness, genuine ‘right-ness’ with God, suffering has to be near. Michelle’s suffering shines light on parts of me that ‘just ain’t right’ and I’ve been doing much surrendering and confessing over the past eight months.
• I am joyful. I am not by nature a ‘joyful’ person. God made me a melancholic personality and I am learning to use who I am to bring God honor. Joy, I am discovering (over the past 2o or so years) is not a feeling like happiness, but rather the deep assurance that regardless of the circumstance I am boundlessly loved. Not only by God, but those who God indwells around me. To know, even for a moment, that deep assurance of love, is to know joy.

I am enthralled with all of Psalm 37, but verses 3-4 captivate my imagination. My favorite phrase is, ‘Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.’ I’ve diligently pursued obedience to this command. As a consequence, I’ve walked alongside people who endured sorrows too much to for them to ‘handle.’ I’ve wept for and with those whose hearts are crushed by catastrophe. I’ve stood nearby as the final breath of life left broken bodies. I’ve watched and learned and stored up and kept and cultivated. So many who I’ve known and now know form for me the Biblical ‘cloud of witnesses’ who compel me to stay in the race. So I shall. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

So that is ‘how I am.’

Honestly.

Michelle’s body seems to have done well with the ‘last concoction’ of immunotherapy the doctors tried. She is continuing to experience an elevation of her pain little by little. Our family who spent the whole summer with us are returning to South Korea, so we will be down 5 members in just a few days. That is just sad, but necessary.

We are still asking for a lesser miracle.