We are at about 1 year since the first symptoms of Michelle’s cancer were identifiable. Since cancer was the furthest thing from our minds and the primary tumor had not yet become visible, formal diagnosis didn’t happen until December. Prayer together was part of our life before and we’ve certainly prayed together since then!

Prayer is an odd activity. It bears all the markings of talking to oneself. If done in public outside of a religious facility or gathering, it may appear to be an act of lunacy (depending on how vigorously one prays). Prayer is viewed as powerful by some and ridiculous by others. At least one law is on the books to prevent even the exercise of silent prayer in certain spaces.

Why pray at all? What is the point?

I’ve thought a lot about these questions over the years. I’ve never been what religious people would consider a ‘good prayer.’ Earlier in my faith journey I learned and practiced different ‘methods’ for ‘effective’ praying. The discipline was helpful, but the practice left me feeling empty and frustrated.

Jesus instructed his followers to pray. Jesus also prayed. I figured I’d better follow suit. God is ever-patient and allowed me to muddle along. Many of my prayers were ‘answered’ in ways that were unmistakable. I even witnessed the occasional miracle connected to my prayers. Still praying felt weird and superfluous.

I learned to hold the conviction that my prayer is a dialogue between God and me. Sometimes God initiates the conversation by the power and presence of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I open my heart and mind to God with the intention engaging in conversation. I also hold the conviction that whenever I earnestly pray, I am changed.

Many years ago I was introduced to change as a result of prayer after earnestly asking God to kill my boss. It is one of my favorite stories to tell [perhaps I’ll share details another time] and, yes, I did ask God to literally end my the life of my boss. My explaining to God over several months why the earth would be better if my boss were in the ‘by-and-by’ and no longer on the planet culminated in not only a unequivocal ‘no’ from God but also a massive and necessary heart change in me. God chose, through grace, to allow me to learn to genuinely love my boss and to be more concerned for his welfare, both temporal and eternal than I was concerned about the misery he seemed to enjoy inflicting on those under his authority. This change in me came not because of some revelation but through a mysterious process of my wretchedness being scraped away as I prayerfully interacted with the Holy.

Jesus invites his followers to present their desires to God through prayer. God is known to grant many of those requests. There is a far better thing than getting what ‘I want’ and that is receiving what God wants for me and others. My wants are myopic and often self-centered. God’s work is universal in scope. When I talk with God, I am introduced to bits and pieces of what God is doing beyond me as well as within me.

Isn’t this why Jesus talked to God before enduring the cross? Jesus presented to God real and deep objections to the path before Him. The conversation allowed Jesus to dwell in the confession of ‘not my will but thine be done.’ Take a moment and consider the massive move from blood-sweat distress to power-filled ability to endure torture, humiliation and the entirety of the human sin-debt in death.

I pray alongside many others for the lesser miracle of Michelle’s healing. As I’ve talked with God about this particular circumstance, I’ve seen proofs yet again that God is changing me. I’ve asked God to reset the trajectory of a disease in my wife and received notice of adjustments of the trajectory of the disease in my own spirit.

Please do continue to talk to God about Michelle (and me). I challenge you to avoid throwing words into the air or sending out well-wishes to God. Instead I beg you to listen when you speak and keep your eyes open and not just for something special where I live. Keep vigil for what God is doing in your own life. You may be enthralled by what God miraculously does in you.

Pain management continues to be a struggle. Michelle’s use of her right arm is becoming more difficult and she is often a bit wobbly on her feet. These are symptoms of cancer’s continuing work. Her heart remains strong, both figuratively and physically. Her spirit continues to be nourished by His Spirit.

“Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.” And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.”” (Matthew 26:36–39, NASB95)

I’ve read many books on prayer and Hearing God is the one I found most helpful and meaningful.